Criminal
by Go-Edmonton
Summary: Advanceshipping. AshxMay. Also mild Contestshipping. Not much fluff, rated T for character death and explicit lyrics. Ash is torn apart when May begins dating Drew. Please R&R, first fanfic for me. I do not own Pokemon or the lyrics to the song.


**Criminal, this suffering  
It makes me think like a criminal,  
The suffering,  
When we're alone!  
Criminal, this suffering  
It makes me feel like a criminal,  
The suffering,  
When we're alone!**

Ash and May sat next to the fire chatting quietly about the day. It was very late, and Max and Brock had already gone to sleep. Although his exterior made him seem serene, Ash's inner being was anything but calm. It seemed like since the Grand Festival that whenever the aspiring Pokemon master was alone with his coordinator friend or would think about her, that he would be overcome by a constant wave of…something that he could not quite place.

_It's like my insides are burning up! _The young trainer thought to himself. _I just can't figure out why! This really sucks. I used to be so comfortable around May, and now I feel like I'm constantly going to throw up when I'm with her._

May kept chatting on aimlessly about an item she had seen in a shop the other day. As she kept talking, Ash lost all focus and simply began staring into the fire. All of a sudden, a sharp sound startled him back to his senses.

"Ash!" May exclaimed "You're not paying any attention to me!"

"Gee, I'm sorry May. I just kind of drifted off there for a minute" Ash responded to his friend. "What were you saying?"

"You know Ash" May digressed from her story, "you really seem to have been more distant these last couple of days. Is everything alright?"

_Of course everything isn't alright _Ash contemplated silently _Since the Grand Festival, every time I'm with you, or think about you I feel like I want to kill myself. I can't believe I hurt so much when I'm around you! I don't even know why!_

"I'm fine May, I'm just a little worn out from all the stuff that's been going on lately." Ash muttered.

"Alright then, can I PLEASE finish my story now?"

**Typical, enough for me!  
That I burn inside in agony!  
What power will enable me,  
To bury my vision!  
The hunger coming over me,  
As I learn to hide the agony,  
To make a final remedy,  
To close the door,  
Once and for all!**

The first thing out of May's mouth was something about Drew. All of a sudden a fresh waive of what Ash had now determined to be pain washed over him.

_Oh my god! There is no way that this is all about May dating Drew! I don't even like her that way… she's… just a friend. But then how come whenever she mentions him I hurt even worse…this is so confusing, I wish it would all just end. At least nobody's mentioned anything yet, 'cause I really don't feel like talking about it._

However, there was a part of Ash's brain that was telling him something else.

_Come on now, you know that this IS about her and Drew…and you know that she's more than a friend to you…stop denying it…if you weren't such a coward, if you hadn't been IN DENIAL for so long, you might have told her how you feel and this wouldn't be happening._

As this thought ran through Ash's head, he began to feel physically ill.

"I think I'm just going to head to bed May, I'm not feeling so well right now" Ash said quietly to the young coordinator. "Could you make sure to put out the fire?"

"Of course Ash" May responded sweetly, and Ash felt a fresh wave of agony wash over him as May looked him right in the eyes and gave him a cute smile.

As Ash lay silently in his sleeping bag, he pondered the events of the past few days and how he had been feeling when he was around May, his best friend.

_I used to be able to tell her everything, discuss every little occurrence with her but now I can barely even be alone with her. I just don't understand why all of a sudden I feel so weird around her. It's like something's eating me up inside, and I can't do anything to stop it. I've even been training harder than ever and whatever it is is still there. I hope that this all ends soon, cause I'm starting to feel sick…_

May sat near the fire, thinking about Ash. It seemed as though he was feeling sick, and the young pokemon coordinator was worried about him. Since she had started traveling with him, something had drawn her to him, made her feel more comfortable around him and now she was worried about his health even though she was with Drew.

_I hope that Ash is feeling alright _May thought as she looked up at the night sky. _I can't stand to see him in any kind of pain. He's always been so good to me. He's so handsome, and he's such a caring person. I only wish that I had been able to tell him how I felt…it's too late now, Drew's my boyfriend…I still care a lot about Ash though, I wish he felt the same way about me…_

**In a world that I don't wanna know,  
With the message that I never wanna send,  
To be freed from all of this,  
I want you to quicken my end!  
Don't tell me I cannot go,  
With a wound that refuses to mend!  
Deliver me from all of this,  
I want you to quicken my end**

The following morning, Ash awoke to the sound of Brock making breakfast. However, the prospect of yet another delicious meal from the expert chef did nothing to alleviate the feelings of sorrow and anger that the boy had been feeling the night before. Wanting to sleep more, he rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes as Pikachu scrambled out of the tent, but before he could drift back into dreamland, Brock poked his head in past the open flap.

"Hey Ash, Pikachu told me you were up. Come on pal, the chow is almost ready!"

Reluctantly, Ash worked his way out of the sleeping bag and got dressed, heeding the advice of his older and much more wise traveling companion. As he stepped out of the tent, Brock cheerfully spoke up.

"It's good to see you finally awake Ash! The rest of us have been up for almost an hour already!"

"Speaking of the others, where are May and Max anyway?" Ash asked in a monotone voice that was not his own.

"I sent them off to get some water to drink with the meal" The breeder responded. "And just as well too, I've been meaning to talk to you about something. You haven't quite been yourself lately. Is something up?"

_Something is definitely up _Ash thought, but the words which came out of his mouth tried to tell a different story.

"Nothing's up Brock, like I told May last night, I'm just a little tired from all the stuff that's been going on recently.

"Oh come off it Ash, it's pretty obvious that something is wrong! I'm willing to bet that it has something to do with May and Drew"

At the mention of the pretty coordinator's name, and that of her new boyfriend, Ash began to feel sick all over again. His insides began to churn and all of a sudden he felt like becoming very violent.

"Look, Ash, it's pretty obvious. Ever since May and Drew became an item, you've been acting a bit different." And with that, Brock motioned downwards. Ash looked, and noticed that his hands were clenched tightly into fists.

Ash heaved a sigh. "How did you notice Brock? May and Max haven't said anything, and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it."

"After traveling with you for as long as I have, I tend to notice the little things" Brock responded. "And you're right; you were doing a good job of hiding it. Now, why don't you tell me what's up."

Ash sighed again "That's the thing! I don't really know what's up! All I know is that whenever I'm around May I feel so upset, and whenever I think about her and Drew being together I get really angry…" His voice trailed off.

"Well, you know what they say Ash. The worst kind of pain is to be sitting next to someone knowing that you can't have them." Brock said in a wise manner.

"What the heck is that supposed to mean" Ash questioned with a sullen look on his face.

"It means…" commented Brock "That when you have feelings for someone, and you can't be with them the time you feel worst is when you're close to them."

"I don't have feelings for May!" Ash protested loudly, but Brock simply looked at him, smirked and shook his head. The breeder knew that Ash was jealous, Ash himself simply didn't know it yet.

**It seems the whole experience is,  
Terrible, and crippling!  
The pain is much more then physical  
Beyond belief,  
When we're alone!**

After another delicious meal courtesy of Brock, the four travelers began to pack up camp in preparation to continue their journey. As Ash rolled up his sleeping bag and packed his clothes, he thought about what he and Brock had talked about earlier. Although he wasn't willing to admit it to Brock (he had had trouble admitting it to himself, even, when he first figured it out) Ash realized that his feelings for May were more than friendly

_Brock is right. _Thought Ash _I guess there's no way to deny it from myself anymore._ _ I DO have feelings for May…After all, we've been traveling together for a while now, and I've seen her go from being a rookie who didn't have a clue to one of the top coordinators in the region. I mean, she's so kind to all of us, well, except for Max sometimes, and to her pokemon. And she's so pretty…the way she smiles, and the colour of her eyes… The worst part is I can't do anything about it now. I can't believe how stupid I am… I should have realized this so much earlier. Then maybe I could have avoided this pain and jealousy_

As the crew continued on their way, they began to drift into pairs. May and Ash ended up a good distance in front of Max and Brock, as the older breeder was teaching the youngster about various plant and animal life in the forest. As May and Ash walked, they were deep in conversation, pausing only occasionally to make sure that they weren't getting too far in front of their two friends. The conversation held Ash's attention for a while but eventually his mind began to stray, just like the night before.

_Why?! Why does it have to be like this? I hurt so much, and it's not just emotional anymore. I really don't feel good right now._

**Typical, enough for me!  
That I burn inside in agony!  
What power will enable me,  
To make this decision!  
Despair has fallen over me,  
The way to hide the agony,  
Embracing my calamity,  
To save myself,  
Once and for all!**

"Look Ash, a Pokemon Center!" May exclaimed, and Ash looked over at her. "Let's race!"

Ash was snapped out of his stupor and looked up to see May grinning at him. A smile broke over his face.

"You're on!"

The two young trainers took off like a shot, tearing down the road to the Pokemon Center. May, who had gotten a head start, stayed in front of Ash for the entire way, and was smiling cheekily at the young man as he jogged up to the front steps.

"Well Ash, looks like I've still got it!" May said cheerily as she winked at her friend.

"Still got what?" Ash questioned with a grin of his own. "The only reason you won is cause you got a head start!"

"Come on Ash," May continued "You know I would have beaten you anyway"

"Nuh uh!" Ash joked, giving May a playful shove.

_Do it now! _That part of his brain told him _If you tell her now, things might change for the better!_

Ash couldn't do it, however. He simply sat with May on the steps, enjoying her company and waiting for Max and Brock. Ash was happy for the first time in several days, and he was going to leave it at that, thank you very much. He was rudely brought back to reality, however, when May spoke up again.

"I'm gonna go call Drew ok Ash? You can come inside with me if you want."

Searing pain shot through Ash's brain, through his heart and through his stomach as May mentioned HIS name again, and Ash was reminded that although May had obviously enjoyed their time together that day, and their little race, that she was still with Drew.

"Thanks May, but I think I'm going to stay out here and enjoy the fresh air for a while longer" Ash said with a forced smile.

"Alright Ash" May said as she looked deeply into Ash's eyes and smiled. She held the gaze, smiling, and Ash was the one who broke away as he could not take it anymore.

May walked inside. As she walked over to the video phone, Ash's gaze followed her. He saw as she dialed the number, as her face lit up when Drew answered and as she smiled and laughed with her boyfriend.

**In a world that I don't wanna know,  
With the message that I never wanna send,  
To be freed from all of this,  
I want you to quicken my end!  
Don't tell me I cannot go,  
With a wound that refuses to mend!  
Deliver me from all of this,  
I want you to quicken my end**

_I can't stand this any more! Why can't I tell her?! Why do I have to hurt so much when she mentions HIM?! This is too much…Brock was right. The worst way to hurt is to be right near someone, so close to being with them, and to not have them. I'm not sure that I can handle this much longer. Sooner or later I'm going to have to do SOMETHING about it…_

"Pika?" the small yellow mouse on Ash's shoulder questioned. Pikachu had been silent for a while now, but could stay silent no longer.

"I'm fine, Pikachu, really" Ash responded.

"Pi Pika Pi Pikachu!" _You're not fine! I can tell! _The mouse Pokemon exclaimed, shaking his head.

"It's alright buddy, really. I'm just feeling a little down right now."

**Now, you want to know  
You want a name  
You want to call me mother fucker  
Now, you want to know  
You want a name  
You want to say it doesn't matter  
Now, you want to know  
You want a name  
You want to call me mother fucker  
Now, you want to know  
You want a name  
You want to say it doesn't matter, now!**

Late that night, Ash lay in bed, his brain at war with it's self.

_It doesn't matter _The emotional part told him. _It doesn't matter that she's with Drew, or that she might not feel the same way. It doesn't matter. It's for love. You have to do it. You have to tell her. It's worth the risk._

_Of COURSE it matters. _The logical part of his brain fought back. _You CAN'T risk ruining what you already have just because you want more for yourself. Take what you have, keep May's friendship and if she ever falls, you can be there to catch her. Be there for her and things will work out eventually._

He couldn't take it anymore. He rose silently from his bed at the Pokemon center, got a piece of paper and began to write. _Dearest May…_ He began.

**Now, now you want to know  
Now you want a name  
Now you want a place  
Now you want a time  
Now you want it all  
Now, now you want to know  
Now you want a name  
Now you want a place  
Now you want a time  
Now you want it all, now!**

Ash took the letter and placed it next to the coordinator's head on her bed. He watched her sleep, so peaceful and beautiful that she looked like an angel.

"I hate to do this to you May." Ash whispered, brushing her light brown hair from her face.

He moved back over to his own bed where Pikachu was sleeping soundly. A tear trickled down the side of his face as he petted his best friend one last time. Taking his pokeballs from his belt, he placed them next to the sleeping electric type.

"Take good care of them for me Pikachu" He whispered as another tear rolled down his cheek.

"Max, Brock," Ash said silently, "It was an honor and privilege knowing both of you. Take care of yourselves."

**In a world that I don't wanna know,  
With the message that I never wanna send,  
To be freed from all of this,  
I want you to quicken my end!  
Don't tell me I cannot go,  
With a wound that refuses to mend!  
Deliver me from all of this,  
I want you to quicken my end**

Ash silently made his way out of the center. He walked back up the path, the path that he and May had run down earlier that day. He made his way to the large tree that he had noticed during the race, and began to climb up it. When he reached a reasonable height, with branches that were aligned just so, he stopped and removed his belt. He made two loops, one which he tied to a branch above him and one which he looped around his neck. With one final prayer for all his friends, all his Pokemon, and especially for his mother, Ash Ketchum jumped out of the tree.

**  
Don't say that it isn't so,  
I'm on a path that you'll never comprehend!  
Sever me from all of this,  
I need you to quicken my end!**

_Dearest May… _The letter read. _I need to tell you something through this letter that I could never tell you in person. I don't know why I couldn't do it but it just wasn't possible for me. I love you, May Maple. I have for the longest time, but wasn't able to admit it to myself, much less to you. And, when you began seeing Drew, it was too much for me. I couldn't bear to see him with you, it was tearing me up inside. I couldn't live with myself for not telling you how I felt, which is why I took my own life tonight. But, May, the one thing you must take from this is that I love you. I have always loved you, I still do love you and I always will love you. Goodbye, my friend._

_Ash Ketchum_

As May finished reading the letter, she began to weep the tears which had been building since she had begun. She jumped up and grabbed Brock and her brother in a hug as she cried. May whispered to them what had happened, and the three comforted each other for the loss of a great friend, named Ash Ketchum.

_**Nobody but he who has felt it can conceive what a plaguing thing it is to have a man's mind torn asunder by two projects of equal strength, both obstinately pulling in contrary directions at the same time.**_

_**William Shakespeare**_


End file.
